Hogan's Heroes: The Last Operation
by Clayton Overstreet
Summary: The war is ending and Hogan and his crew have one last mission to perform.


I don't own these characters or profit from them. I may also mess up the spelling on the German names and yes, I'm aware that Kench was swapped out for another guy for the last few episodes, but he was there for most of it and I will be ignoring the swap.

Hogan's Heroes: The Last Operation

By, Clayton Overstreet

Hogan was in the underground tunnels of Stalag 13. He stared at his orders and frowned. "Kench, Labeau, Carter, Newkirk! Get in here!"

Newkirk appeared at his shoulder and asked in his English accent that Hogan always thought was fake, "What is it Colonel?"

"I have good news," he said "We're pulling out. The war is over."

Lebeau stared, wide eyes. "What did you say?"

"The war is over," Hogan said. "We won."

Around him the men cheered. He sat there and let them. Finally Carter noticed. "Colonel, why aren't you cheering? Don't tell me you like it here." Around him the other men noticed their leader's dour expression.

"Are you kidding?" Hogan said. "I'd sooner stay in a haunted house. There is a problem though." He handed Kench the orders.

The black man read them and whistled. "Whoa, talk about sore losers."

Newkirk asked, "What is it?"

"Well it seems that while Allied Forces are routing the Germans even as we speak, they've found evidence that the Germans have one last trick up their sleeve. They've loaded up a set of planes with some gas they've been testing at Auschwitz… here are some pictures of the test subjects."

When the men saw them the smiles they had at the news faded. Several of them actually vomited. LeBeau said, "How can even the krauts do something like this?"

Hogan shook his head. "I don't know. But they've got plane loads of it We're the closest team to the airstrip and time is of the essence. As soon as their leaders admit they're losing those planes are going to launch."

"What kind of evil despicable lowlife would even follow orders like this?" Carter asked.

Kench said, "Says here that the whole thing is being run by our old friend from the Gestapo, Hocksteddar."

"That'd do it."

"So what are we going to do about it?" Newkirk said. "Every loyal and intelligent German is going to be there."

"No, all the intelligent ones made a run for it to parts unknown," Kench said. "Even that bastard Menegele. It's just the stupid but loyal ones that stayed."

"So Klink stayed?" Lebeau asked.

"Yes," Hogan said, "but only because I don't think he's heard the news yet."

"Too bad about Mengele," Newkirk said. "I've been wanting to put a bullet in that blond skull of his for years."

Hogan said, "We'll have to leave that for later and settle for knowing that wherever that bastard runs, he'll eventually end up cooling his heels in Hell. For now we're got to settle this. If those planes make it to allied countries thousands maybe even millions of our men will die and the panic it causes could give the Nazis another chance to regroup."

"But Colonel," Carter said. "They'll have guards for something this big. Serious guards."

"You're right." Hogan rubbed his chin. "Okay boys, here's what we'll do. Carter, you start mixing explosives. Use everything you've got."

"Everything?"

"What, are you saving the leftovers for, Thanksgiving?"

"Well you've never met my mother… or had her cooking."

"Carter, all of it. If we can't get past the guards I want something that'll take out the whole area if need be."

"Yes sir," he said.

"Kench, you tell the guys the party is over and we're seizing the camp. The real ammo is under Barracks 3 so when you get the weapons remember to replace all the blanks. Have them put the guards someplace we don't have tunnels."

Kench stroked his moustache. "That could be a problem sir. We've got tunnels pretty much everywhere."

"Then collapse a few," Hogan said. "We're leaving camp by the front gate this time. But don't tell them about the gas. I don't want to ruin their day and if we tell them then everyone will want to go."

"Colonel, in this case isn't it the more the merrier?" Newkirk asked hopefully.

Hogan shook his head. "No way. These are desperate men. They see us as a threat and who knows what they might do. They could launch early or detonate over German soil." The men began talking and he held up his hands. "I know, not too bad, but we all have friends and allies here who were just following orders. Most of the Nazis would be horrified by some of the things their compatriots are up to." The men looked unconvinced. "Besides, we're here. If they let the gas go it could hit us as much as innocent civilians." Looking at the pictures again the men shuddered. "No, we need to look harmless. Preferably with the help of someone that even that paranoid nut Hocksteddar will see as completely incapable of being a threat to anyone but themselves."

(Five minutes later)

Colonel Klink sat behind his desk. "Hogan I refuse to have anything to do with this. You may have captured the finest POW camp in Germany, but you will not get me to help you sabotage a project of our great nation."

Hogan slammed the pictures down on the desk. "Klink, I know you're a fink…"

"Thank you, but flattery will get you nowhere."

"Don't mention it. But I also know that even a rat like you would not want this to happen to even your worst enemy."

Klink looked down at the pictures again and looked a little green. "I… I can't do it. I'm a loyal German officer."

"Come on. You owe us," Hogan said. "We've saved your life and your carear for most of the war and you know it. Haven't we always done our best to make you feel like you were actually in charge around here?"

"And I appreciate that," Klink said. "But Hogan, you must understand my position."

Hogan was about to say something else when Sergeant Shultz put a hand on his shoulder. "Colonel Hogan, may I give it a try?"

"Sure, why not?"

Klink looked at Schultz. "You're with them? Schultz how could you?"

"Three very good reasons Colonel," Shultz said briskly. "Number one, they won. And I have to say from what I have seen in my years around here, it was going to happen that way anyway. Number two, this…" He tapped the pictures. "Is wrong. We Germans have done some crummy things in our time, but this is putting me off my food and you know what that takes."

Klink frowned. "You have a point there. What was number three?"

"Number three, if our side manages to win, then they'll have plenty of time to do an audit of this camp and find out exactly what has been going on here."

"What has been going on here?"

Hogan smiled. "You know all those blown up trains, misplaced munitions, sabotaged special projects, and things in the area?" Klink nodded. "That was all us. With your help of course."

"My help?" Klink gulped.

Schultz shook his head. "Don't ask sir, believe me. It's better to know nothing."

Klink licked his lips. "Hogan, I'd officially like to defect."

"You're defective alright," Hogan said. "Fine. If you can get us into Hocksteddar's base then maybe I'll tell the higher ups what a help you've been for the war effort. You and Schultz."

Klink sagged with relief. Schultz patted him on the shoulder.

Klink's prison van, with Shultz driving approached the gates of the airstrip Hogan and his crew had directed them to. The guards at the gate gave Klink's credentials a glance and then let him in, directing the van to be driven over by the other vehicles away from the air strip. When the two German officers exited the van they found themselves surrounded by armed guards.

"Vat is zis man doing here!?" Hocksteddar shouted.

"We let him through," one of the guards said. "He had valid paperwork."

"I am here to help," Klink said, his and Schultz's hands raised in surrender.

Hocksteddar glared at him. "Who told you about this?"

"The higher ups," Klink said. "At least whoever is left. They said they needed someone loyal to fly the plane who would not think too much."

Hocksteddar paused. "In that case I suppose they chose the right man." He turned. "Follow me Klink and I will show you your route." Klink followed shooting Schultz a relieved glance. "Schultz, guard the truck."

In the van Carter said, "Colonel, what makes you think Klink won't betray us as soon as he's out of ear shot?"

"I'd say it's about fifty-fifty," Hogan said. "On the good side we'll know in a minute."

"How?"

Newkirk said, "When they start pumping machine gun bullets into the side of the van."

Carter paused. "Oh."

After several minutes though no shots came. Then there was a loud band on the side of the van that mad them all jump. "Colonel Hogan."

Taking a deep breath and motioning for the men to lower their weapons rather than kill him, he said, "Yes Shultz?"

All of the other men are leaving. They are heading for planes and taking off."

"What about Klink and Hocksteddar?"

"They are also heading for a bomber. I think Major Hocksteddar had a gun pointed at Klink."

"Either he doesn't trust Klink or he is just acting normal. Okay fellas, one more time, let's go rescue the commandant."

"Do we have to sir?"

"Yes. Because he's on the last plane out of here." They all sighed. "Well, let's get going."

Klink was in the cockpit when he saw the truck driven by Hogan pulling up near the plane. Glancing back he saw Hocksteddar in the back fiddling with something. Cautiously he put his finger by the control for the loading ramp. "Oh General Hocksteddar, you may want to see this."

Angrily he came stomping up as Klink hit the button. "Vat is it Klink? I need to prepare… what is that man doing there?" He stared out as Hogan and his crew waved from the truck.

"I don't know General. Could it be the allies have already taken Stalag 13? Without me there obviously they had too easy a time…"

"I'll believe that when pigs fly. Take off Klink! Whatever Hogan has planned once we're in the air it will be too late." He frowned as the truck dropped back.

"General Hocksteddar we still need a little more…" Suddenly there was a gun pressed into his cheek. "Yes sir, taking off sir." He felt the plane shake just before he pulled back on the stick.

"Vat vas zat?" Hocksteddar turned and saw a truck driving up in the plane. "Klink, you fool! Why is the cargo bay open?" He turned and put the gun back up Klink's nose. "I should kill you now!"

"No you shouldn't!"

"Vy not?"

"Because we've taken off and I'm the only pilot you have."

Hocksteddar looked out the window and snarled then back as Hogan and his men began to pile out of the truck. "I vill deal wich you later!" He turned and ran for the back. "Hold it right zere Hogan! Your allies may invade, but they will regret it when I unleash Hitler's greatest weapon!"

"Hocksteddar you're mad!" Hogan said as he and his men leveled weapons. "One shot and you'll be pumped full of holes."

Hocksteddar aimed at the bomb. "But I vill take you with me Hogan and after all these years that may be the best revenge the Third Reich could hope for. You may have fooled zat idiot Klink, but I know you must have had a hand in our loss."

"Hocksteddar, you have no idea," Hogan said watching him over the barrel of his machine gun. "But think about what you're doing. We saw the specs on this stuff. We're still in German airspace. You set it off here and you'll just kill thousands of your own people. And I guarantee you'll die too."

He sneered. "Ve are losing. I say, there are vorse vays to die!"

"Uh I saw ze pictures and I am not zo sure about that," Shultz said.

But Hocksteddar was done talking. Ignoring the enemy arms pointed at him he leveled his Lugar and took aim at the bomb bay. There was a loud bang, almost a clang, and then Hocksteddar hit the floor. Klink stood behind him holding a dented helmet and smiling nervously. "I've wanted to do that for years!"

"Nice going Colonel!" Hogan said.

Shultz stood straight. "I haff never been prouder to serve under a traitor in my life!"

Klink sighed. "Thank you Shultz." Before he could say anything else the wall of the plane was perforated by bullet holes and everyone joined Hocksteddar on the floor. "Hogan, what is going on?"

Hogan peeked out one of the windows. "Looks like our boys have found us."

"Great, I stopped our side from killing us so your side could. Some days I just can't catch a break," Klink said.

"We'll see abut that," Hogan said. "Hate to do this to you Commandant, but I'm taking over your plane."

"Take it," Klink said.

Hogan rushed to the pilot seat where Klink had jammed the control in place for his attack on Hocksteddar. He undid that and took the stick in one hand, reaching for the radio with the other. "This is code name Papa Bear. Repeat, this is code name Papa Bear. We have seized control of this plane and are attempting escape. We are not, repeat, not Germans. Pass code: Omega Delta Foxfire!" The plane and another one were swerving towards them again. Would they fire?

"This is Captain Wayland of the forty-third air born. We recognize your pass code, but our orders are to remain cautious. Your plane is damaged. We will lead you to a safe landing in England, but if you deviate or attempt to fire on us you will be destroyed."

"Understood Captain." He set the microphone aside and sat back in his chair. "Looks like smooth sailing from here out."

"Colonel Hogan, we've got a problem back here!"

"Me and my big mouth. What is it Kench?"

"Carter was looking things over back there while we were tying up Hocksteddar. The bomb's got a timer. In less than half an hour it goes off and we can't disarm it."

Hogan grunted. 'Damn efficient Germans. You guys ready the bomb bay. I'll get permission to dump it in the ocean. Hopefully Captain Wayland is understanding and won't summarily blow us out of the sky."

"I'll keep my fingers crossed," Kench said ducking back.

A moment later Hogan said, "We'll be over the Channel in a few minutes. Plenty of time to drop the bomb. According to the file this stuff breaks down in salt water. So everyone brace yourselves as I open the bomb bay doors." There was a loud click and the doors opened. Cold air washed over them. They all waited until through the opening they could see the sea. All of them could hear the sharp ticking of the timer. "Bomb's away!"

There was a clunk. Unfortunately the ticking bomb was still there. LeBeau said, "What is the problem?"

Kench moved close, looking it over. "Looks like one of the bullets we got shot with hit the release mechanism. We're going to have to jar it loose." They all crowded around, trying to shake it. Minutes ticked away.

"I have got this," Shultz said. He began to scramble on top of it.

"Shultz no, are you crazy?" Carter said.

Newkirk snapped, "Get down from there you bloody fool!"

The fat soldier smiled and said, "I usually see nothing, hear nothing, and know nothing. This time I know something. Please my friends, this atrocity… let me redeem my homeland a bit?" The men hesitated and looked at each other, then reluctantly backed up. Shultz smiled and nodded before bouncing a bit. "I think I almost have it…"

"Hurry it up back there fellas, we're heading for land and if I turn around they'll kill all of us. Another couple of minutes and I'll have to scuttle the whole plane!"

"I'll help," another voice said. Everyone was surprised as another figure climbed up on the bomb. Especially Shultz.

"Commandant, I…"

"Shultz, you heard the man. Let's do this."

"Yes sir, Colonel!" Shultz said.

Klink looked at the others and smiled. "You all were the best enemies a man could ever have." Around them as one Hogan's Heroes saluted the two German officers. "Tell people I died- Aiiieee!" The bomb fell and they vanished. Klink's monocle was left behind breaking on the floor of the plane. A moment before they hit the water the bomb bay doors closed.

"Well would you believe that?" Newkirk said. "I never imagined those two giving themselves up to save us, let alone anyone else."

"The war wouldn't have been the same without them," LeBeau said.

"Like Klink said, they were the best enemies we ever had," Carter announced clutching his hat to his chest.

At the front of the plane Hogan wiped a tear from his eye. "Come on boys. The war's over. Let's go home. I'll buy our drinks at the pub tonight and we can salute Klink and Shultz properly."

"With stolen German bourbon and cigars," Kench said. Everyone cheered.

Five years later Hogan and his men met up on a tropical island in the Caribbean. They were at a little tropical themed bar. They arrived at almost the same time and when they saw each other them men came together laughing and shaking hands. They sat at a bar and waved over a pretty waitress.

"So what's married life like General?" Newkirk asked.

Hogan smiled. "Well Helga is a great wife, let me tell you. Even if I still spend a fortune on nylons. The higher ups weren't too pleased when I married a German, but…"

"Merde! Helga's the best," LeBeau said.

Kench shrugged. "You white devils aren't exactly the most welcoming, even to war heroes."

LeBeau said, "Kench, you'll always be welcome in France."

Carter said, "Don't look at me. If you'll recall I've been in the German army. I try to only hold a grudge against the real bastards."

The waitress came over. "What can I get you boys?"

"Let's start with a couple beers each," Hogan said.

"Last of the big spenders," Newkirk said.

"Hey, we've all got expenses. Besides have you guys heard about that new guy in Congress? McCarthy or whatever? He's causing all kinds of problems… sometimes it makes me miss the Germans. At least when they were picking on minorities we were allowed to hate them."

"You can say this for old Klink," Kench said. "He never discriminated. He was an equal rat to everyone."

"And old Shultz was just a sweetheart when you got to know him," Carter said. "I know American soldiers who weren't as much help during the war."

Hogan said, "Yeah, once I got them trained they were alright." There was a crash behind the bar. Someone was yelling. "I can almost hear them now."

Suddenly a door opened behind the bar. A familiar voice with a German accent was shouting. "You dunderheaded ninny! Those beers are coming out of your pay."

"Sorry sir. It was an accident!"

"It always is. Now get out there and deliver these yourself. And don't let me see you drop one more bottle."

"Yahvole!" Two all too familiar figures stepped out behind the bar. One very fat, the other bald as an egg and wearing a monocle.

Shultz and Klink froze as they saw Hogan and his men. Around the room were a lot of other American, English, and French military men. Carter waved. Gulping they slowly backed into the back room. A moment later the waitress came out with their beers.

"Uh the owner and manager would like to say these are on the house. Should I tell them anything?"

The men looked at each other. They each picked up a beer and clinked them together. Hogan said, "Tell them…" The men all spoke together. "We saw nothing, we heard nothing, we know nothing!"

The End


End file.
